Jesus wept!!!!

A dissertation on life and consciousness, and an elaboration thereon.

The “I” that is causal of our Inner dimension,  i.e.  our interpretation of the sensory evidence – causes  “this magic moment” ,  in which I define what is. I experience every conscious moment of my life as “this magic moment” – a delightful celebration of being alive.

I am econiche and individual; idea and matter; pattern and energy awareness.This magic moment is ever occuring  when we realise our death, and that we are ALIVE.

Thanatos  means both “death” and “death fascination” .  We became human when we started to bury our dead. We never die because we are consciousness participating in the imaginative creative dimension. Elephants, dolphins and the rest of them are consciousness causal of its inner dimension. Just like me.
I sing hosannas to the unity of experience.
It is only the ego that dies. It was created when we began to bury individuals. Death and god are human notions. I am god, I do not die. My ego self dies – thank goodness.


My ego is causal of my inner dimension ie my interpretation of the sensory evidence. I cause “this magic moment”, in which I define what is.

Awareness of my sensory experience – hearing, touching and being touched by wind, skin, bark, blueness of the sky, muscle torsion etc  belongs to what can be spoken of as “the witness”. The witness is me looking at my experience and reflecting on it, enjoying it, weaving little stories about it, delighting in the stories i weave about it. This witness is my Inner Dimension. It is Outer – in that it is formed from sensations which are not it. The witness is that which is witnessing that which is. It is a unified field and also an individual experience of universal and unique sensations. Paradox is a necessary element of this thought. Paradox is this: spirit/witness/ ideas of divinity are not separate from the being thinking and witnessing and feeling them. The human being  is uniquely individual and also a  repetition of matter becoming a life form. A human can be a uniquely aware expression of consciousness in time and outside of time.

This moment becomes magic when we realise our death will bring an end to our ego awareness. I am econiche and individual; idea and matter; pattern and energy awareness. I am paradoxically a stupid little ego in a bag of skin and also consciousness itself as my awareness. If I am this – what realms of possibility are open to me?? the stories i tell myself create my potential. We must get the healing done and we are trying so hard to do that.

Thanatos means both “death” and “death fascination” .
This is an interesting point that is lost when we only speak English.We appear to be a suicidal species. I want to change this, starting here.
We became human when we started to bury our dead.
This is an anthropological and ethnological statement.  It is necessarily anthropocentric. We are the story tellers. We are not the only species to bury or mourn our dead. Consciousness can know itself to be one in all its forms, and can see itself dying as this ecological niche, with the nostalgia each human feels as we too become aware.
Elephants, dolphins and the rest of them are consciousness causal of its inner dimension.
Consciousness is awareness of sensation and of a being which is aware. All life is “aware” – flowers turn to the sun, creatures move away from recognisable harms.
We never die because we are consciousness participating in the imaginative creative dimension. We are consciousness.  We participate in the imaginative, creative dimension – or not.
I am consciousness. i am the life force aware of itself as me. I am aware that I , consciousness, became life when water rubbed against rock and created stromatolites; or chemicals in the ocean waters formed structures called chemo auto trophs. These early forms of life were digestive tracts and that is what we are – a complex digestive tract.
i sing hosannas in the unity of my experience.
This is a joyous awareness for me, and utterly ho hum to some others. It is impossible to experience for those who cannot experience it. Those who remain closed to this sort of awareness have chosen that path which is their right. I want to offer recognition of this awareness to others who recognise the significance of such words as “i am” . I am logos. I am my story telling self. The stories i tell myself create my world. I see my god self telling this story in so many ways and so many voices and that excites me, makes me feel like i am contributing to a growing understanding that a science which denies spirit is killing us all.
My friend spoke of two people she had known, who simply starved themselves to death. I can see the possibility of that. It would be a chosen path and an awareness of the totality of life. She said there is a state of euphoria which is reached after the hunger has ceased.
It is only the ego that dies. When we don’t identify with merely the ego in a bag of skin we have access to a delight and joy that could be said to be eternal ( outside of time) and everhere, everywhere.
We die. This econiche is dying. Polar bears and large mammals die with us. Dinosaurs died. Consciousness has been all of this. That which has been cannot Unbe.

When we separate ourselves from the constant cycle of life and death, when we prioritize human needs over others, when we see ourselves as something more worthy than others, when we value our individuality more than the whole… when we identify with the ego in the bag of skin that will die- we can have fear and hide from that fear by business in our lives. All that lives must die. Larger brained animals recognise this. Life is for rejoicing in this magic moment.
Aborigines speak of three realms. The unborn, the living and the dying, and Dream aka Archetype.
I have studied and find truth in many philosophies or religions. Because of my Christian upbringing, I identify with the Jesus archetype ( a dream of a peaceful man) . B.C. there was no C. (unborn) .Then it lived and died as an individual ( or several whose stories were collated), and now it is an archetype. It says, do what you will – i will not do violence. It says i look for the light in others. It says i do not see hatred and meanness, i see injured souls, i see people in fear, i see people projecting their negative experiences onto others, i love all people and i do not meet  haters. This I say too.  And so when this namby pamby lover was strung up he said, “forgive them, they know not what they do” . I strive to forgive myself, to focus on the positive,  to continue to love and to offer my way of loving being alive.

Thank you for your ears.



My life, our life is our message.

it is 9.02 pm in 2017. This year of our lord our lady and our destiny. We are still here conscious of what is in our minds. That is what we are conscious of.

This is of what I AM conscious. A longing. A need. A desire.
A longing to bring a useful message.
A need to be useful.
A desire to feel fulfilled.

My life, our life is our message.

My use is what it is and I cannot judge that from where i am. I am here in the flesh, the spirit is here and everywhere. It is one throughout time and space. I can only be here where i am, to be useful at the level at which I find myself. On a cosmic level I can see I am doing the work, on a physical level I can see where i am falling so so short.

My fulfillment is surely met in the moment of writing – I am a writer. But what is a writer without an audience?

Who is the audience for whom I write? MYSELF!!

I AM the god self loving itself and longing to share this vision. I AM logos. I am the story I tell myself and this creates my life.

I see that the story is heading towards death, the end of me ( idiot god concept)( ego identity)  and the end of the econiche. The econiche is here where we live with the large mammals. Forty more years of fossil fuels ( that’s about the active functioning lifetime of the new plants being built right now) will absolutely condemn this econiche to unsustainable change and death. I console myself remembering the dinosaurs which once I was, how lovely interesting varied peaceful and predatory coexistant and dominant oh how they were and mostly are no longer. I console myself knowing the lovely polar bears are going extinct for I too in all my uniqueness am heading towards extinction. I console myself leaning against a tree, eyes closed, breathing in and out as the tree breathes out and in, the tree communes I AM HERE. Tree has no fear of tomorrow, tree experiences thinning foliage, low rainfall, dropping branches, but focuses on being here now. That is what I witness when I stand and lean against  a tree with my eyes closed and my cheek against the rough bark.

My fulfillment is these:

to be with friends and students and to manifest the teaching-learning community dreamed of by Margaret Meade on her death bed, as conveyed by her student – Jean Houston;

to “focus on what works” because as Barbara Marx Hubbard says – “what we focus on we get more of.”

I AM fulfilled.

I AM . This is logos, “god” . “God” is a concept created by language to describe that which is greater than us.
God is what is. You are god. I am god. These are the 3 faces of divinity and it is All feminine in me. God is what is: this miraculous universe and our goldilocks earth of which we are the human consciousness arising; You are god – god vocative – an outbreath sigh of delight wonder awe at what is; I AM god/dess, geode, nominative – I am the human consciousness of Earth in one being aware of my human pattern. Biblical ( because raised Christian) . bookish( there are three religions of “the” book , and multiple others ),  Learned and PEACE FULL.

All we need is love. Rock on fellow minds, rock on. And those who follow me, carry the word with you in joy and delight in being. ( Sure there are shit times, but as Eckhart Tolle says, just get used to witnessing the emotion without attachment to anything being different from what is. )

Acceptance is an essential platform from which change can leap in a guided

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Connectivity. Reality and I-mage-ination

This Blog is a selection of writings from this mornings correspondence:

Once we were just organisms that were digestive tracts, now we are a complex digestive tract.

… as for rumpf – i dont even know what madness he’s doing at the borders, apparently he’s dismantled healthcare and given the go ahead to push oil pipelines thru indian lands
exxon mobi has 60% of its reserves ( !!!) in Russia and Putin wanted the sanctions lifted so Russian oil could be developed and so Russia could get the equipment. It’s just a speedy demise. Don’t worry.

Be aware of consciousness. Sun doesnt mind, Earth regrets. We can live in the sunlight and know we are of earth.

All we can do is be the consciousness of earth and sunlight.
It is the same consciousness.

Anticapitalism in the Republicans? i know some have forgotten social responsibility and don’t care to create parks or libraries anymore, others are more awake, but still not lion’s. Not noble. Greedy. I think a protectionist can still be capitalist ( can make a profit) . The fact that isolationism is contrary to the course of evolution may make present capitalist success more difficult. Corporate globalisation on the huge scale needs to be disempowered in my view ( terribly ignorant view). I think, like dinosaurs, the greedcorporates contain the seed of their own demise. The dinosaurs extinction was accompanied by a mass extinction, adaptable ones who could roll with nature’s rules evolved and survived in the post dinosaur era. We are still here. We are the light of the sun and the warmth of Earth, and consciousness in matter, currently in the most complex intelligence yet evolved with incredible and magnificent potential to understand how we are THE intelligence in human form. This too shall pass. We can evolve or die as a species. I FEEL evolution.

This morning i knew that consciousness will be ok because the heat of the sun is not going away and the warmth of Earth’s core is not going away, and that is Love. Love at such a fundamental level. We are in that loving womb, poisoning it as babies do until the greater system tries to get rid of them and the new is born, or one or both aborted.

If what is emergent ( humankind being the latest emergence) does not cohere with the system it will be aborted, sometimes the mother dies too – that’s the ecological niche. We do not know the future but we are also here and part of the baby – the emergent human who is aware that  nature has rules and to flout them has consequences.

We cannot do more than we are doing. I believe  Love for as much as we are able to love, is that which makes life on the surface of this earth. We are always that.

We are our mother’s daughters, our father’s spirit infuses us . Our bro is the sun/son. Family joy is what love thrives upon. The human family does its best through us all.

Anti-capitalist Republicans ? Personally, i believe in the responsible capitalism of my fatherland: my father explained that the one who makes the investment is entitled to the lion’s share of the profit. My father believed in fair wages, workers having shares in the company, in fact in the concept of stakeholders. Although he was still in the era of shareholders. Lions do not waste.
My mother and my motherland knew that taking care of the children of the poor is to take care of the future of the country. I grew up under social capitalism in NZ. It is largely dismantled now. Abuses of the system by rich and poor lead to fear. The powerful protect their own rape and pillage by turning the dissatisfaction of the people against them selves. With us divided, the powerful rule. Even the wealthy in OUR circles are part of the exploited. Their own children’s future is being destroyed along with the future of the children of the poor. I long for the common good to be understood as all our future.

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Even if she was evil, it is important to recognise the devil. Paradox is. I AM.

The practical world is the world of money that my species has created. Funny that money as coin is called “specie”.  This world came into being as the era of the first peoples and goddess wisdom ended.
This is goddess wisdom:  Earth and all upon it are manifestations as itself of consciousness which is akin to energy.  Energy  vibrates at various levels, the lowest levels are densest – that is the matter which the “specie” species is aware of and sees as resources.
Those of us who are aware, know we are CSNS/energy/YHWH. I am consciousness. I know I am changing form, I know the old will be gone but forever is – it remains as DNA remains. I contribute to Awareness by being aware. This mind of CSNS either ceases to exist as human, as it did w dinosaur, or continues as human in a new form, as dinosaur does in us. The dinosaur smile says “They may say I crapped out as a life form, but no-one can say I didn’t live.”
Try saying I AM god/dess and know that means the consciousness of energy itself in all its manifestations. See the world as a living, communicating being of which “I AM” part, par inter pares. An equal among equals. Delusional in the world “specie” created, LIVING in the world of my mind which IS both inside and outside my head, and dies when I die, yet is “eternally now” (inside and outside of time.)  The world my mind sees is the world I AM creates. I AM Love, humanly imperfect but still trying.


Jumbled Gems. Tyr.

My mind is a treasure house into which gems are dumped without system or sorting. My mind is a gremlin obsessed with making connections and tying things together and leaving them in little piles of like objects , or tied together on a string, or constructed into strange sculptures. These objects litter the surfaces in the treasure house and become covered with dust and more gems randomly landing here and there.
I see so much, have read so much,  have been completely unscholarly and fail to note references. Hypothetical reader, thank you for existing.


one – 1 = being
two – 2 = manifestation and immediately there is
three – 3

Now a material image:
the triangle – eagle , ox, lion and at its apex above the ground the angel – creates a three sided pyramid. Angel comes to earth and 4 is born.

four – 4  the square.   Angel, now human, takes a corner in manifestation along with winged eagle( spirit), ox ( strength power manifestation) and lion ( heart, love, nobility , ideal)

five – 5 . In the hub of the four sided square, Man emerges, rises and creates Pyramids – four sided pyramids. Five apexes of the four sided pyramid represents man with our five fingers and five toes, x2.

Out of the four sided pyramid, making a five apex structure emerges a new emanation from the centre. Now  we find 6, a balance of the original 3, x2.  And out of the hexagon, the 7 emerges etc etc

The system dances among the numbers, the old gods have something to say.


saturday – saturn
sunday – day of the sun
monday – day of the moon
tuesday – Tyrs day  – i reckon Tyr is likely a goddess – a valkyrie reference. Did you ever read When God was a Woman. Or Not in HIs Image – this one gets a bit fanciful and verges off into a male speculation that didnt ring true to me.

Woden, Thor , Freya you know the rest.  wednesday thorsday freyas day

The deities of the south unite with those of the north to create our week.
Once upon a time female was in there, not as a subordinate.


Norse god of war, goddess of Justice . aka Mars- roman god of war,   Martedi is Tuesday in French.   Tyrsday – tuesday.  Tyr – JUSTICE  ( Norse) . Justitia, Sapientia ( Roman goddesses)  – wisdom , legal rules.  The first germanic councils were known as the thing. thing think thought.. This is the human mind working out how to co-exist. Mars consorts with Mammon – the mammary, mother of money. Money is good when it is currency and moving, an instrument of commerce;  bad when it is commodity and held in storage.


I see the connections of all things  – I am pre Babylon, pre fall of Babel’s tower. Bab – the gate…
el – god, elle goddess

I see the connections between all knowledge, all words. There is duality in all things. Too much of any thing is good for nothing – it needs to be tempered by its opposite which is so often hidden. One side of a duality is privileged in our current way, starting with the elevation of male over female, light over dark, etc etc . They co-exist and when one is privileged the whole suffers. Freud described penis envy because in his time no-one envied the vagina. Once woman, the feminine,  was worshipped as the source of life, when Nature was worshipped; when What IS was revered.
Human kind emerged and began to love ourselves more than the whole. We began to love gods made in our image, and forgot we are the human consciousness of What Is worshipping itself in endless hallelujahs of Iration ( creation by the I itself) .

The necessary process of individuation of consciousness, Saturn, the Fall, is reiterated in each human being. We move through 7 levels of consciousness, 7 chakras, towards death. Out of death emerges the new. Goodbye ecological niche, hello unknown flowering of what comes after. Consciousness is forever, it was dinosaurs, it has been polar bears, it has been humans, it has been large mammals – it is all of those still but this era is changing. Ragnarok. the great serpent  has eaten itself and will emerge out of the black hole of all potential blah blah blah

In the pre-written-historic time of the goddess, the male energy was in balance.
In the time of the god, the Saturnian male energy individuated as it always does. Thanatos, death came into the world – along with death wish, also Thanatos. Humans begin to bury their dead.
Sun arose. Son rise .  Day and night – light and dark – duality second chakra.  In cultures with only two words for color, they are always dark and light or black and white, the third word is always red – anthropologists have found this.
Moon awareness, aah horned goddess, the changing of night and day is reiterated in the changing of the moon, and her influence on water, and kidneys. Third chakra.
Then it is Tyr, Regulation, justice, and war to fight down those who are not part of the harmonious system.

Tyr TYR tyr – heart chakra. War has become completely unbalanced in our time and our hearts HURT.  Justice is not considered for those dispossessed.

The days of the week are relatable to the gods and goddesses of old, to the creation of ideas and systems, to the chakras, to evolution, to the big bang and continous creation. It is a glorious jumbled unity in my head, and every day I wake to the bliss of this experience.
CSNS – consciousness , JHWH – tetragrammaton, halelujah; the river runs by the park, the little lizard lies dead on the ground his white belly up, oh little fellow, hello to you in the bardo; my father returned in spirit to my very rational mother and told her “I’m going on”, I see my father’s spirit greeting me as spirit of dead lizard, next maybe he will greet me as angel. I am fulfilling my purpose here. Not as a scholar but as a crazy undisciplined artist who once again has spent time in the pleasure of ideas, rather than the necessary works of the day. One day the shit will hit the fan, hopefully  I will be ready.collage






Dual-Duel and the Common Good

Before the beginning, Charlie Seurat Nomen Silene, Cis for short, was no thing. After the beginning, Cis existed. At the end, – well there were many ends and that was both the challenge and the hope.

“That Cis, she’s really something!,” people would say. When Cis was born, her mother nearly died. Cis grew and flowered, and became a right little animal. beautiful and temperamental and unmanageable. The problem was how to teach her to manage herself.

Her mother was exhausted and could only cope by strapping Cis into the stroller and waiting for the screams to stop. As she grew up, Cis learned to take her tantrums into her bedroom voluntarily, and would stay there wailing until she fell asleep curled like a foetus on her little bed. Her grandmama thought a leash would be a good idea so the toddler could run but not far and explore with subtle supervision. Dogs were taken on leashes and given limited freedom to explore their independent choice of stimuli – surely parents could do at least that much for a child whose curiosity and love of life were like that of a dog, the nonverbal taking in and processing of stimuli being a vital part of exploration and growth.

Before the beginning, number did not exist. Once one precipitated out of nothing which is all potential, there was some thing. Once there was something, there was that which was not that something. There was duality. When there was duality, there was number, for between two things is the space between and around them and that makes three.  Australian Aborigine’s used this numerical system: “one two three, small mob, big mob”, when they talked about sheep or cattle to the manager of the estate.
Chimps in a research institute were given pellets of food at the push of a lever. The Chimps were taught to count. Then the researchers had to count the pellets as they put them in the feeder, because the chimps were now fighting over who got the most.
Words create identity. Numbers are words. This, not this; this and that; one two three many.  Identity creates possession – mine  and yours supersede a wordless ours.

“What do you think of global warming… these chunks of the ice cap as big as Delaware falling off into the sea…? ”
“ My friend who is a scientist says it is a natural phenomenon….”
Siouxie and Felina exchanged inconspicuous looks of disbelief on hearing this opinion from their good friend, whom they had included in their yoga circle some years ago.
“… but it is terrible the way man doesn’t respect nature; the forest where I grew up has been completely destroyed for housing,” opined Anika.
“Let’s not argue about the percentage of influence humanity is having on climate change,” said Siouxie – looking for constructive  synthesis – “ if we can view the evidence, we can support the actions taken to ameliorate the harms.”
Democrat, Republican – we can find a common good, and cut deconstructive arguing.
Climate change deniers and god deniers – we can focus on the evidence and leave interpretation to each for themself. Can a thing be named if it doesn’t exist? All things are “thinks” . Something must be thought of before it can exist. Naming it separates it from the flux. The namer and the named co-exist. That which is denied is still that which is named and therefore has existence of some sort – even if just a vision in someone’s head. The stories we tell ourselves create our world. The square root of minus one is an absolutely fictional number, and yet fictional numbers enable calculations which create bombs and MRI’s, World Wide Web and Fit Bits.
No Thing became  everything, and change is inevitable. We can learn to ride the change or be swept away by it. We can be the Meme or the meme rider. We can harness the horses of paranoia or succumb to negativity. We can know ourselves as CSNS. (see next)

Consciousness, that which is No thing, can be mythologised as the Cosmic Egg of All Potential.  Consciousness, will be hereinafter known by the tetragrammaton  CSNS, the four letters of the name of Consciousness.
CSNS became and is becoming and is now and ever shall be, for Now includes the past and the future which are now No Thing.

Siouxie thought of her mother, who was nothing again, dematerialised.  How is it to know oneself as No Thing while still Something? It can only be done in the mind that is present. The love is, was, and always was a part of her. Apart – not her, as well as a part of her.

dre Combinant

A swathe of realistic butcher’s grass (the synthetic type) cushioned her feet as she wandered ‘neath the lantern hung trees to the perfect circular day bed – facing the moon which delighted the dark sky above the courtyard green.

They stayed in their own spaces – his trim beard clear in silhouette above the ipad; she doing her yoga – torso, then feet, arms, head visible beyond the wicker sides of the round, cushioned platform. As though co-ordinated, they  moved to leave at the same instant.

He smiled. She thought to speak, but crushed the words inside herself – she would have to write seeing she had spared him her story.
She  was envisioning a bomb destroying the set piece she saw before her – the various couples, strolling by, the music so cool, the occasional family, people arriving at night with their bags, crossing the lawn to their room for the first time, seeing the trees and the lights and the people. The older woman lounging alone and gazing at the moon, the young man studying his ipad at the table next to her.

She saw the bomber, for whom a hotel with a pool was not remotely in the probabilities.
She could feel  that the bomber was right to see her as a wastrel taking privilege while so many had nothing, and his family history was full of sorrow.

She knew it is the way of the world to blame those within sight, for that which is stolen by players in a different game altogether, in which we are pawns.

She recalled living with a rasta man in Jamaica and getting a new room put on the one room dwelling in which he lived with his three children. She talked of glass window panes and he said, “Nah, dem people who na have so much, dey go bruk ya glass”. He told her of folk who had just scraped up enough to buy a second hand car, and found the window broken overnight – by those who had less who did not know how to get just a little bit more. For it was hard times in Jamdown too. Manley had been replaced by CIAga. The economy had gone bust when Manley nationalised their aluminium and USA refused to buy the product any more, or some such deal. Look it up – late 70’s.

She walked to her room, subdued light revealing leaf shape and color of tropical plants lining the realistic looking lawn, Moon at full outshining the hanging lanterns.

Her dreams revealed themselves, like grapes left on a vine after harvest which sweeten and shrivel. The sweetness of Life Force will come to be, ‘ere the body disassembles. Life Force, uniquely sweet in each individual, collective in the  unseeded egg of potential, individual here, and recombinant on the other side, which has been brought to this side in genetically modified DNA e.g. rBGH. Are we dissolute, recombinant, or drunk with pride?

She snored gently, a pillow over her head as well as one under. The typewriter l a i d o w n s y m b o l a f t e r s i g n w o r d a n d t h e n w o r l d i t w a s w i t n e s s t o i t s e l f a s e a c h l e t t e r e a c h c o m b o h a v i n g i t s o w n e x i s t e n c e t h e  t  a l w a y s s y m b o l i s i n g t h e c r o s s w h a t e v e r t h a t m e a n t – s o m e t h i n g d i f f e r e n t t o e v e r y o n e  g o i n g b y h e r s e l f a  n d s o  m e t h i n g t h e s a m e a l s o t o e v e r y o n e w h o c a r e d a b o u t i t.

Everyone has their own story of love. This is what makes us human.


images not of my work in this post..

writings; philosophical meanderings